Iapos;ve made my bed and now I must lay in it. I wont say lie because it seems to be a popular belief that Iapos;ve lied. I have never lied to him... I always wanted him to know the truth.... I love him. There was a time that I would do anything for him, and I have. But those times are over now. He gave me his love, but at the cost of respect. And now as I think of it, Im not too sure he did love me. How can you hurt someone you love... Literally scarring them emotionally, and then turn around and keep doing it??? I told him if he wanted me back he would have to stop talking to her... He and she agreed. But everytime she called, he talked, and talked, and talked. Even right next to me once Like I wasnapos;t going to know. And now as he keeps trying to tell me about how much he loves me I hear about how he wrote a letter to my friend telling her he wanted her while we were together There is just so much that I can take. Iapos;m not going to hold back... Not going to lie. I really do miss him. I miss his friendship, comfort, humor, and security. But I also miss being respected, and actually listened to. No matter how much I tried... His beliefs and ideas always came before mine. I was wrong and he was right. He wasnapos;t always wrong... But he sure as hell wasnapos;t always right. He is a wonderful guy... I hope he can learn from our relationship and use it as a reference in his next one. I do wish him well... For he and I canapos;t be friends like I had hoped. Tim doesnt take too kindly to being called a liar, and its too much being caught in between this. I loose sleep at night thinking about how tim might be feeling, or how mike might be feeling. How much Iapos;m hurting them both while I keep a precious friendship, and start a wonderful new relationship. I canapos;t have it all though, and for the sake of moving on it is best mike and I go our seperate ways anyway. He needs to heal, and I need to search. There is something out there for me... I just dont know what. And I sure as hell dont know how to find it. Perhaps it will find me some day. I miss the days where my only worries were standing up infront of class... Or how I was going to get out of school that day. How did I go from those mundane things to something as complex as someoneapos;s emotions? I dont understand how I can feel so responsible for someones feelings and happiness. I just have to keep telling myself that everything will me ok. Mike will be ok, and Tim and I will be ok. I have made my choice to stand by what Tim says, mike thinks Im a fool for it. Wasnapos;t I a fool for believing all that time that he would change? Maybe I am a fool cause I still believe he will change... I just wont be around to see it.
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